style journal

how I figured out why I hated my clothes

A few years ago, I looked at my closet and wondered why getting dressed was such a challenge. I have loved clothes and fashion since I was a little girl. As a child, I would spend hours in my room dressing up my dolls. One of my favorite games was dressing up my dad into a bride, draping chiffon shawls over his head, and adorning him with necklaces. My first job as a teen was working retail, and as a young woman, any disposable income was put towards clothes. I knew how I felt when I was in clothes I loved or when I saw another woman beautifully dressed. However, by the time I'd reached the age of 37, I realized that I mostly understood getting dressed in the context of fashion and trends. Over the years, I had acquired pieces that spoke to me, a vintage bag, costume and real jewelry, my patent Mary Janes, a classic blazer, or something I had picked up on my travels. These items held a timeless quality. I would wear them repeatedly, and they would give me joy every time. Still, much of what I owned were clothes that weren't "me" (or at least not anymore), spoke to a different time of my life, looked worn a year after purchase, or were a trend that was now very much done.

I felt ashamed when confronted with all the money I had wasted. My desire was simple: I wanted a closet that felt aligned with who I was and where I was at this stage of my life, a closet that felt wearable year after year. I wanted to get dressed with ease so I could get on with all the responsibilities of my life, namely, caring for three children. But also, I wanted to feel beautiful. Not beautiful to others, not beautiful to men, but beautiful in my skin. Comfortable and easeful when I was in a space. I didn't want to think about whether something was itchy or too tight or why I ever bought this. I wanted to not think about what I was wearing once I left the house, just as I don't think of my skin or limbs; I wanted my clothes to be an extension of me.

I don't believe everyone wants to feel this way. I'm sure some people dress to make a statement or evoke a feeling in others. Some people wear clothing as armor and as a means of self-protection. I applaud and respect people's choices. Here, I'm speaking very personally.

This is how I began the process of figuring out what the hell was going on. I quickly realized that most of what I viewed online was deeply trend and shopping-driven. I loved following big fashion influencers, but when I analyzed the impact, I realized it was corrupting my sense of what a realistic wardrobe looked like. Their wardrobes were unattainable, partly because they were gifted many pieces and partly because having new outfits was their livelihood. These were not realities, standards, or circumstances for someone like me. Looking at these women for anything other than inspiration imagery was foolish.

To get some real direction, I listened to podcasts, watched YouTube videos, and followed stylists in the slow fashion space. I wasn't particularly interested in how to tuck my shirt into my jeans, but answering questions like, "How do you buy clothes that last?" "How do you judge whether a trend is for you?" and "What are quality brands at reasonable prices?". I also listened to women speak about their slow fashion journey. Some had embarked on no buys (periods of zero purchases), some on creating capsule wardrobes, and others on using checklists for decision-making to curb impulse purchases. I learned so much and slowly gained clarity on how I had been operating and what I needed to address. Along the way, I also found fashion accounts of women who were on social media but walked the line between influencing and mindful consumption thoughtfully. Now, these women are among my go-to when I'm looking for outfit inspiration.

This journal will work through a variety of topics. We'll talk wardrobe editing and clearouts, we'll talk personal style, and we will dive into how personal style overlaps with our lifestyle and what to do when our clothes don't match our lived reality. We'll discuss how to think about trends, what makes something timeless, and how to know what you love.

The goal isn't to shame or judge anyone for what decisions they've made or will make. It's not to say don't buy fast fashion or to police buying choices. I still impulse buy, wear trends, and buy fast fashion, albeit to a lesser degree than I used to. It's to share my journey and learning, my love for clothes and how they make us feel, and hopefully help you learn more about yourself, your style, and how you want to dress and look in the process.

I hope you love Lemonade's style journal. Seeing you in the comments and hearing your thoughts would be wonderful. Please ask questions and share your own musings. Community and connection are big aspects of why I'm online, and hearing from you makes these thoughts and conversations come alive.

With love,

Sana